suck it, kiwi

Recently I started sleeping on a real bed. The kiwi finally made good on his promise to give me a full-sized mattress, so I would no longer be sprawling on a one-inch-thick mat on the ground. They came back from a move-out sale with a truckload of cast-off goodies which Kiwi had bought off someone in Kowloon, the ghetto of Hong Kong (the place that inspired the Narrows in Batman Begins).

It's about time, I thought. While Kiwi and Pillsbury assembled furniture in their rooms, I raided the boxes of housewares. I figured I was 1) helping them unpack, and 2) entitled to some loot since I had helped them carry all this shit up the 6 flights of stairs.
A set of matching sheets--nice! I needed sheets for my bed, and these were a high thread count and classy maroon color. Since the kiwi was into decorating, I figured I better take them and put them on my bed before he took them for himself. Besides, I deserved some nice trappings after two weeks of bare linoleum.

After I finished unpacking and cleaning I collapsed on my new bed. The kiwi passed by my bedroom door."Do those sheets need a wash, Vivien?" he asked.

Shit, he noticed the sheets! "I was going to wash them tomorrow because I'm tired and it's late," I replied.

"They looked like nice sheets, I think they're Calvin Klein," he commented.

"Hmph."

I often grunt rather than actually respond when I don't feel like talking to him.

Kiwi stood in front of my doorway and scratched his head. "I was thinking, I would swap my sheets with you," he said.

I sat up suddenly. Ah hell no. "OR you could wait till after I leave after the summer," I said pointedly.

He paused and scratched his chin. "Yeah, I could do that." He didn't sound as if he wanted to do that.

I lay back down but I was far from relaxed. All my pent-up frustration with the kiwi and his cavalier ways balled up inside and focused on this one annoyance. His bed already had sheets! He had been sleeping on a real mattress for the past two weeks! His sheets were perfectly fine! So what if these sheets were softer and looked better?

He made his bed, now he's gotta lie in it, I thought as I turned off the lights.

The next day I told my side of the story to some friends on gch.

"Why would he steal your sheets?" Beum asked, puzzled.

EXACTLY! Why would a grown man steal my sheets? He should be more mature than this. He should know better. In fact, he hasn't been a very good landlord or roommate to me. He leaves dirty dishes around all the time.He doesn't clear the kitchen sink drain. He doesn't replace the toilet paper. He leaves lychee peels around the flat. Fuck this. Those sheets were mine.

I worked late that night and got home just after midnight. I went into the bedroom and turned on the light.

A stripped mattress and forlorn pillow greeted me. On one corner of the mattress rested Kiwi's folded sheets.

What. The. Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was time to get real with the kiwi. I would cuss him out the very next day. I would tell him, straight up, exactly why he was a bad roommate and why he shouldn't take my sheets. I even prepared a speech and rehearsed the next day at work. Here it is:

Certainly I appreciate that you have put a lot of time and effort into furnishing the flat, and I have expressed this appreciation to you several times. But one thing I want you to know is, I don't appreciate the way you've taken advantage of me over the past two weeks. I understand that you want to make your room look nice and maybe you think the red sheets look better with your furniture or are more comfortable, or whatever. You probably think that I am just a random naive young girl from Haaarvard, and you are probably thinking, this is really YOUR apartment and you want to make it look good, so you deserve all of the best things. But consider this. I gave you almost 2 months' rent, which was my entire paycheck, which has been my only income since coming to Hong Kong. We were splitting the rent evenly three ways. Yet, you had me sleeping on a one-inch-thick mat for two weeks, while you had gotten real mattresses for yourself and Pillsbury, who hadn't even arrived yet. You got all these closet and storage supplies for yourself, while you didn't provide me with a closet or hangers.You would wonder why I was using my computer in the kitchen, which I said was because I didn't get a good wireless signal in the living room, but also it was because you were using all of the electrical outlets in the living room, which you might have realized if you were more observant. You would leave your used cutlery and plates around without washing them, so if I wanted to use anything, I would have to wash it for you. Finally, I found it very immature and distatesteful of you, after you had only given me a sorry excuse for a bed for so long, to insist so much on having the sheets that you want, to say to me, "I was thinking of swapping my sheets my sheets with yours" and then, without consulting me, to go into my room and remove them and just put down your old sheets and leave everything unmade. Also, you had been using those sheets for so long, so why would you think that I would be keen on accepting them, especially after I have seen the way you sweat? I find it very hypocritical, and a poor reflection on your character, especially after I had offered my camera for you to use during the day last week and you had declined because you had said you "didn't want to go through [my] room when [I] wasn't there."
You have offended me with your behavior towards me, when I have been nothing but accommodating to you, and you made your bed, but you didn't want to lie in it. But you need to learn how to be a less selfish person if your idea of splitting the rent equally means treating your tenant like this.

I rehearsed this over and over as I left work, and got on the metro. Would I have to guts to go through with this? Yes, I reassured myself. I have lived enough of my life as a pushover. I'm a grown ass woman now and I'mma get what I want.

I told JP about my plan on gch. "He's going down tonight!" I promised.

"Look, I think it's best to not piss off people you live with," JP cautioned.

I was taken aback. "JP, I thought you were all for being real!"

"I am about being real, but it might be time to play fake. What's the best outcome of bitching him out? Let's just talk out the scenario," JP proffered.

He was like the negotiator standing between the hostage situation and the SWAT team, and I was like the suicide bomber on the school bus of 50 kindergartners.

"Let's talk best case scenario and worst case scenario. BCS, he apologizes and cleans up after himself. But you could get the same outcome with a more tactful approach. Because WCS can get really ugly. WCS is, he's like, WTF I bought you a bed don't be an ungrateful ho and yeah I wanted those sheets but I didn't want to make a fight about it so I joked around a bit about it and I thought you would realize that I got them for myself and if you had waited I would have changed mine out and given them to you so I can start to make my life in this apartment since you are leaving in 2 months."

"I guess WCS is he kicks me out," I said begrudgingly.

"Actual WCS is he changes the lock," JP said.

I turned it over in my head. Fuck.

I decided to de-escalate the talk.

I knocked on Kiwi's bedroom door. "Hey, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" I said.

"Sure, what's up?" He was sitting at his new desk doing stuff on the computer. And sure enough, behind him was his bed with the new sheets, pillowcases, duvet cover--the works.

"So...umm...I thought that maybe we could talk, about how some things with the living arrangements have been going.. I think maybe we should make sure that everybody is washing their dishes so that there are enough clean utensils for everyone to use..." I trailed off nervously.

"Yeah. Well, I've tried to make sure I've been cleaning after myself, have you felt that there are a lot of dishes accummulating?"

I gained confidence at the positive reception. "Yeah. I think we should all do dishes more promptly from now on. All the chores should be done fairly."

"OK, I'm sorry I hadn't noticed," said Kiwi.

My confidence grew. The kiwi was amenable to listening to me. "I also wanted to say, I appreciate what you've done in furnishing the apartment so far and everything...but I feel that you have kind of taken advantage of me, because I paid the rent two months in advance, I literally gave you my entire paycheck, but you didn't provide my room with a real bed, but you put a real bed in Pillsbury's room and he hadn't even arrived yet."

Kiwi leaned back in his chair and and knitted his brows. "I thought I had said that you were welcome to sleep in that room until he arrived."

Shit. He had said that, but I hadn't done it just out of passive embarassed polite Asian-ness. But I already went down this road, I couldn't turn back. Could I salvage anything now?
"Oh...I guess you didn't communicate it as clearly at the time, and plus I already moved my stuff into my room, I wouldn't have wanted to spread all my stuff over the flat and take up two bedrooms."

"OK, well I'm sorry about that, I definitely wouldn't have minded."

"Mm-hmm. Well it did strike me as kind of unfair at the time." Then I thought, Now or never for bringing up the sheets. I had a good point of entry, that would locate the blame on him and not me, so I went for it.

"I think for us to live more harmoniously together, you should communicate more clearly from now on. For example, concerning the sheets. I think you should have been less passive-aggressive about it."

I could tell he was completely shocked. He emitted a sound halfway between a scoff and a chuckle. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you could have told me that you would be taking the sheets from my bed, and instead I came home really late at night, and the bed was unmade, and then your sheets were in my room." I tried as hard as possible to make him sound as absurd as possible.

"I thought I told you the night before that I had kind of gotten the sheets for myself, because they're nice and I think they match my room well. I paid the woman in Kowloon for her moving sale and she gave me these sheets, so I thought I would start using them--because, you know, they're bigger and nicer; and you could use the sheets from before."

I guess he had the "right of way" and was "entitled" or whatever... But he put it so crudely and he was being such a rude Westerner about it that I decided to sass him a bit anyway.

"Oh. I see. I understand that you're living here for a longer time so you want to make your room look nice and use all the nice things to furnish your room. I guess I hadn't understood that you were going to remove the sheets from my room so soon and that you wouldn't have gone into my room without first telling me, because last week when I had said you could go into my room to borrow my camera you had declined because you didn't want to go through my room if I were not present. But it's really fine. It's water under the bridge. I just think you could have handled it in a less passive-aggressive way."

Phew--I managed to spin it in a you-didn't-communicate-with-me-so-it's-your-fault approach.

The kiwi was clearly not prepared for this at all. I could tell from the look on his face that he still definitely didn't think he was wrong, but come up with a good response fast enough.
"Yeah...well I thought I had told you I would be taking the sheets..."

"Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we had this talk, I think it's important for us to be candid with each other and live as harmoniously as possible. Good night!"

I flashed him a big fake Wu Xin smile and closed the door.