Fake Dan Chen

Someone named Daniel Chen answered my Craigslist ad for Mandarin language practice. His name was Daniel Chen so I had to meet him. (FYI for those not Cabot House or Class of 2008, Daniel Chen '08 is a photographer, economist, food critic, and salty icon extraordinaire).

Real Dan Chen is a pretty good schoolmate and friend so I had high expectations for Craigslist Dan Chen. We agreed to have lunch, and arranged to meet in the metro station near my office. "Hope you're not a serial rapist," he had signed off in his email.

I guess in this day and age, you can't take too many precautions.

And while we're on the subject--who the fuck is Craig?

Anyway, I waited for Craigslist Dan Chen just outside the turnstiles of the metro. Every time a man or male young adult approached and made eye contact with me, I wondered "Is it him?" Whenever it was a fat or ugly man I shuddered and hoped not. Whenever it was a good-looking man my insides fluttered and I hoped yes. If I say so myself, I lookin' pretty fly (in a biz cas way, of course) and my hair was all did up nice. I was ready to be a good lunch date.

Soon my nervousness turned into impatience. Craigslist Dan Chen was 15 minutes late. Strike 1.

Finally someone walked up to me and addressed me. "Are you Vivien?"

"Hi! Yes, nice to meet you, Dan," I replied, reaching out for a handshake.

"I prefer Daniel," he informed me curtly.

"Oh...sorry..." I said. Strike 2. Most Daniels also go by Dan, don't shame me for calling you Dan, fucker!

We rode the escalator up to the real world in silence. Then I forced an awkward conversation starter. I have a penchant for this so it wasn't that hard.

"So, have you ever met up with someone through Craigslist before?"

"No, never. I never do this," he responded. Too quickly and without looking me in the eye.

Yeah right, I thought to myself. You probably lost your virginity to someone on Craigslist. He wasn't doing his part to carry on conversation, so I had to prod him to talk, again.

"So, have you been out of school long, did you graduate recently?" I asked

"I'm going to be a senior," he said.

"In...college? ...Or in...high school?" I asked hesitantly

"What do you think?" he said confrontationally.

Honestly, Craigslist Dan Chen was so ambiguous-looking that it was hard to say. He wasn't too short but he wasn't too tall. His face was hairless, but then, he's an Asian male. When young-ish people force me to play the guess-my-age game I usually guess up to flatter them. But this guy was giving me lots of sass--within only 2 minutes of meeting him!--so I was unsure how to proceed.

"College..?" I said hopefully.

"No, I'm 17," he said.

17?!?! I'm going out to lunch with a 17-year-old?! Could this lunch get any worse? Or any more illegal?

Luckily I'm not a serial rapist. Yet.

"So...what kind of food do you feel like having?" I asked him as we walked along the road and checked out the storefronts.

"Western food," he said immediately. "I'm so sick of Chinese food."

Strike 3. I secretly fumed inside. I had asked him what he felt like having to be polite. The polite response would have been for him to say, "Well I'm flexible, is there something you feel like having or want to suggest?" to which I would have said, "Well there is this noodle place here, and a Cantonese food place there, and a good Korean place there, and a Vietnamese place there..."
You come to Asia to eat Asian food and Asian food in Asia is the best, you teenaged idiot!

In my mind I had already dubbed him Fake Dan Chen. This is what we in Cabot House do to any Dan Chens that do not compare to Real Dan Chen, Dan Chen '08, photographer, food critic, economist, and salty icon extraordinaire.

So, this was Craigslist/Fake Dan Chen's deal. He was vacationing in Hong Kong because he had family here. He was from Canada and couldn't get over himself and the fact that he was from Canada. This is the worst type of Canadian. The best Canadians are just chill and fun and most of the time you forget they're from Canada. The worst Canadians feel like they have to stick it to you because you're American and they're Canadian and they think that makes all the difference in the world. When in fact it makes no fucking difference at all. Not for all the public health care and lax gun laws in the world.

I had forgotten how much high school kids can suck. Fake Dan Chen thought he was the shit and he had nothing good to say, just his Canadian bull and misguided arrogance borne of lack of life experience. He talked a lot about how he did Debate as one of his main high school extracurriculars. But ironically enough, he kind of had a stutter.

Because he was in high school, I humored him and asked more about his extracurricular activities. I mentioned that I had done debate in high school too.

"Oh, what is it like in the US?" he inquired. "Because in Canada, it's very much like the British parliamentary debate. I heard in the US it's, like, reading from a piece of paper."

Fuck you, kid.

The food came and we ate the mediocre and overpriced pasta. The worst lunch of all time, I thought to myself. Too many strikes to count.

Between slurps of spaghetti, Fake Dan Chen looked up at me (I hate when people make eye contact with me while they're putting food in their mouths, it's so repulsive) and had the temerity to say, "Hey, do you know anybody here that's my age?"

Fuck you, kid.