the Candy Man can't

The Candy Man can
'Cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
-Sammy Davis, Jr

The Canadian flatmate with the lunacy and gall to call me Sandra Oh continues to be uninteresting, but provides occasional amusement. He's the type of Caucasian whose pale hair, skin, and soft build make for a monochromatic look, rather like a ball of dough. Henceforth I shall refer to him as Pillsbury.

Pillsbury is a recently graduated MBA (even though I have never heard anything business-like come out of his mouth) who came to HK looking to find a job. I am still unsure why he chose Asia, never mind Hong Kong. And I still doubt his intellect and business acumen. He wears Billabong board shorts all day. He looks and acts like a soft frat boy.

Last night my computer froze a record 6 times in a row. (I think it's dying, after all those years of faithful service. I have never once backed up my laptop, and it is only now starting to trouble me. There's a first time for everything.)

Frustrated and bored, I emerged from my bedroom, where I usually sit all night on my bed with the door closed rather than talk to the two imbeciles. I decided to try chilling with them in the living room for a change. Maybe they could provide some entertainment. Hell, maybe I could even try to get to know them and they could miraculously prove themselves to be cooler than I had assumed, and maybe we could even be mates.

Pillsbury offered me a Kit-Kat bar. I never turn down sweets, so I grabbed it from him and settled down on the couch. He had a stack of manila envelopes in front of him and I had overheard the word "resume" in his conversation with the kiwi, so I assumed he was sending out a mass mailing. I don't know why, in this day and age, he didn't just email the recruiters directly. Maybe he didn't know better because he hadn't attended a top-tier school with a 34.9 billion dollar endowment.

As I bit into the chocolate-covered wafer goodness, Pillsbury continued to collate his manila envelopes. He was stamping the backs of the envelopes.

"Whatcha got there, Pillsbury?"I asked.

He passed me an envelope. "Do you think this would prevent someone from opening it?"

The stamp was a small red "Private and Confidential" seal in Chinese and English.

"Umm..I guess," I replied skeptically.

What the fuck was he thinking? The other day I had googled "Regards" and "Sincerely" because I was looking for other business-acceptable sign-offs for correspondence, and I had read up on some "Emily Post"-like codes for appropriate business correspondence. One of them is to NEVER mark a letter "Private and Confidential" if it's just a resume. It's rude to overstate the importance of your mail, potentially piss off a manager, and no one will ever take you seriously again.

"So, where did you get the candy?" I asked.

"Show her what you're doing," the kiwi goaded Pillsbury.

I looked at the candy, and I looked at the pile of mailings. Oh no...

Pillsbury went to his room and came back holding a little packet, which he handed to me.
On top: a Kit-Kat bar, attached to a note that said "Here, take a break!"; and then, his business card and resume. (Which was two pages long, not on one single page. What are they teaching in Canadian business schools?! How to sell weed?)

I looked at the packet in horrified disbelief. A grown man, an MBA no less, was literally mailing candy attached to his resume to 20 different finance and banking offices in Hong Kong.

"It's...a good idea," I managed to croak out finally. "It definitely makes you stand out."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," Pillsbury said, content with my apparent approval.

The kiwi is retarded, so he thought I was serious. "I wasn't so sure about it but if--"

I blocked out the rest of what he said because he's retarded and listening to him hurts my brain.

Pillsbury is such a lost cause that I didn't think it was worth it to state my actual opinion. So I thought I would have a little fun with it.

"You could even spray your resume with some cologne," I offered. "That way you will really stand out, and appeal to more senses."

"Yeah, I could!" he said as light dawned across his face. "It's too bad I didn't bring any with me to Hong Kong."