exit strategies

As July wound to a torrid end (not the Harlequin Novels bodice-ripper kind of torrid), I was seeing red. I simply could not tolerate Kiwi and Pillsbury any longer. Like my cat Sweetie does with fuzzy mice, I had toyed with them, picked them apart, found there was nothing inside, and now wanted to toss them aside.

But unlike my cat Sweetie, I have a cerebral cortex and good taste in people. Could I bear another month of living with churlish yahoos?

Out of curiosity, I went online to see what housing options were out there.
I found a room to rent for 2,000 HKD per month (~260 USD).

The description was as follows:
I have a spare room for rent near Mercer St. very conviniently located, 5 minutes walk to MTR station, near bus stops, trams, taxi, mini bus, with bed, and cabinet, no air con. Near convinent stores, restaurants, fastfoods, fruit stalls. Bathroom/toilet kitchen refrigerator, cook stove is for sharing. Ideal for Filipino drivers, or stay out helpers, or any nationality. Any interested party kindly give me a call.

Wow...how lucky! This place was actually only a stone's throw away from my office. No air con...a little sketchy, but I barely used the AC in my current room anyway, to save electricity. Ideal for drivers or helpers...hmm, that was a euphemism for "servant," but I like Filipinos and I'm willing to go to great lengths to leave Kiwi and Pillsbury behind, so I decided to call and see the place.

I wasn't sure what to expect 2 G's would get a girl in this town. When I did see the apartment, I had to hide my surprise.

It was as the ad had described, definitely kind of stuffy without AC. But there was another thing the ad had left out, which I had not even thought was something that a room could lack.

Windows.

The room had no windows.

(That thing at the top of the picture is not a window, it is a random rectangular hole in the wall that does not open and even if it could open, it would only open into the stairwell anyway.)

I thanked the landlady for her time and left, saying, "I'll think about it and let you know," with the intention of never calling her again.

But as I walked away to go home to Sai Wan Ho, I thought to myself--I do hate Kiwi and Pillsbury, and this place IS very close to my office, and it IS very inexpensive, actually about 60 USD less than Sai Wan Ho. Also, living so far away from the nightlife district was cramping my style. This place was within walking distance of Lan Kwai Fong. I should just lock it up before some other desperado takes this diamond-in-the-rough off the market.

I took out my cell phone and dialed the landlady's number. "I'll take it!"

But there was another wrinkle. Now I would be effectively renting two apartments. Actually, it was August already and I had not yet paid the rent to Kiwi, because I was waiting on cashing my paycheck. Kiwi was putting some light pressure on me to cough up the rent for August.

I faced a question of ethics: bailing out in early August without having paid rent or given Kiwi any advance notice, or having to pay for two apartments.

I consulted two sources for advice.

I gched JP Bert Bratt.
me: i found a place that is closer to my job and cheaper
i haven't paid august rent yet
would it be shitty of me to ditch the kiwi now?
JP: it's already August 1
yea it's kind of dick
he might write on your facebook wall
me: hahaha
well do i have to offer some kind of severance package?
what is the etiquette for subletting?
JP: i mean you don't have a contract, so you're not obligated to do anything
but etiquette is to not say you are staying thru august, then leave august 1 before giving him enough time to rent the place
you are essentially hitting him with $300 out of his own pocket.
me: haha i kind of like that

Then I turned to the expat girl who sits next to me at work. "Do you think it would be shitty to leave my flatmates without notice, before having paid the rent?"

"Oh my god, are you kidding me? That is the worst thing you could do!" she yelled in indignation.
She did have a point.

The cogs of my devious brain turned and turned. Eureka!

The perfect solution: I would pay Kiwi the August rent, in the meantime find a subletter, and then charge the subletter to recover my losses.

Things were falling into place perfectly. I put up some ads on the appropriate websites, and got a bunch of responses within hours. People will do anything for budget housing in this town.

Originally I had thought it would be easier to sublet out a dump in Sheung Wan, which is at least near the central business distrct, than a dump in Sai Wan Ho, which is in the boonies.

But in fact, things were falling into place more perfectly than I could have wished for. I found a graduate student who needed to come to Hong Kong just for 3 weeks in August and a few days early September. He was a film studies student. He needed to use the Hong Kong Film Archives.

The Hong Kong Film Archives are in Sai Wan Ho.

He needed to live in Sai Wan Ho.

Aaaahhhhh! It was like an opera singer moment.

Hallelujah! If I were an underqualified nepotistic female Republican vice-presidential candidate, I would say it was all part of God's Plan.

I could drop off this guy in Sai Wan Ho, which was where he needed to be anyway, and ride off into the sunset with my new Philistine-free life.

In fact, I had a great cover story. I rolled up my sleeves, turned my brain to Devious mode, and composed the following email.

From: me
To: Kiwi, Pillsbury
Subject: flat guest Aug 12

hi Kiwi and Pillsbury,
i'm going away for much of august to travel for business and leisure and olympics and seeing my family.

a friend of mine is coming to HK for research for his dissertation. he went to college (uni) in los angeles, california, and is now a PhD candidate at New York University. he studies film, and is going to use the HK Film Archive, which is right in Sai Wan Ho. So i thought he could use my room while I am gone. i think this is a lucky coincidence, that he is coming to HK and actually really wants to be in Sai Wan Ho!

as Kiwi knows, i have paid the august rent already, so i hope this is not a problem.

his flight comes in August 12 around 5pm, so he will get to Sai Wan Ho around 7pm. I actually will not be here that day, unfortunately. I will be in Beijing August 10 - Aug 13. So I was wondering if I could leave my key with one of you and if he could call your mobile to be let into the apartment. He has visited HK several times before, so he knows how to use the MTR. I drew him a map of how to get from the MTR to the flat's front door. But I just thought perhaps if one of you could hold onto my key while I am in Beijing, and let Film Guy into my room, that would be great.
Thanks again and see you soon
Vivien

Of course, Kiwi loves using the apartment as a hostel and collecting "Couch Surfer Points," so he emailed back saying he didn't mind--"the more the merrier!"
In that email he also wrote,

Just to let you know, I have swapped the fans between my room and yours for "aesthetic" reasons, and takes up less space in my cluttered room.

In addition to inviting complete strangers to sleep over, he also loves to randomly cherrypick home furnishings without consulting me first. Further affirming my conviction to ditch his hairy kiwi ass.

I went to Beijing and had a grand time. I came back to a lot of new emails, among which was the following from Kiwi:

hi vivien,
hopefully by now your safely back from beijing and hard back at work, after a brief chat with Film Guy last night a few curious things emerged..firstly that he is not actually a "friend" as such and just replied to an ad on a website? he believes that you have sub - sub let your room to him for 3weeks?, charging him for the room and also that you have now actively moved out and into another flat in sheung wan? if all of this is correct, then obviously its a big surprise to both kevin and I...
It was less than ideal finding out about this through a thrid party, i would be really interested in your point of view, and would welcome any explanation or feedback as to why you did not want to see out your agreed tenancy, this in turn can then help me with my dealings with future flatmates, especially if there is an area where i have been at fault or can improve on? i would really like to hear your opinion no these matters, so we can resolve the issue and make sure we both know where we stand.
look forward to hearing form you

So...my Devious Plan had overlooked a few details here and there. The cat was out of the bag. But still, more importantly, the Viv was out of the Sai Wan Ho. That was more important than anything.

So I went over to Sai Wan Ho to meet up with Kiwi and meet Film Guy for the first time, and collect the first installment of the sublet fee/rent.

When I arrived, Film Guy was out getting something to eat so it was just me, Kiwi, and Pillsbury.

I decided an apology was in order, but I had made up my mind to only apologize for this one thing. "I'm sorry I didn't let you know in advance that I wanted to move out."

"Yes, it was certainly a big shock to me and--"

I cut him off to make sure my advantageous point would be made. "BUT, I felt it would be unfair to you to leave on very short notice, so I decided to pay you the rent, as we had agreed in the beginning of the tenancy that I would stay through the end of August, and I wanted to HONOR that agreement, and find a subletter on your behalf."

But the kiwi was not mollified. "I see, but you can't sublet to others without first consulting me, because the lease is in my name."

"But you don't consult me when you invite COMPLETE STRANGERS over to sleep in the living room, on multiple occasions."

"But that's different, because that's couch surfing, there is a ratings and feedback system, and the lease is in my name, so I take responsibility for them."

Fuck this Philistine. No more good cop, I decided. "They are still complete strangers, and you are still potentially endangering me and Pillsbury! Are you so naive as to think that just because there is an "ratings system," that you can trust a rando from the internet? Do you think that just because someone has a few little stars or smiley faces next to his couch surfer profile, that means he is not going to lie, cheat, or steal? Haven't you ever heard of lying on the internet?"

"Well, it's a risk I can take responsibility for and I can take on, because the lease is in my name." The kiwi stood firm on his ground.

Yes, imbeciles like this DO exist in real life. You can't fight someone with an extremely low IQ who was allowed to go on this way for most of his adult life, which validated his habits so much that he can no longer change or see the light of reason.
So I had to try a different tactic.

"In any case, I felt unhappy living here and I did not feel comfortable enough with you to air all of my grievances," I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, is there anything I could have done differently?"

The kiwi is actually a very earnest person. I felt bad that I was so hard on him, when in fact he was clueless but mostly harmless.

"I think we...have different opinions and philosophies about life."

"Like, in what way?"

"Well, I think you are a good person..I dont' think you would get these complaints from other people..I mean, I know you

"But can you tell me, more specifically?"

He kept pressing me, so I finally decided to do what I do best: just be real. "I don't like your attitude toward Asian culture."

Kiwi was surprised, but still earnestly attempting to be culturally aware. "Do you mean, like racism?"

"No, I don't think you're racist. I just...feel you are not as understanding of the people's habits here as you could be. For example, you say hi to people on the street and think they are unfriendly if they do not say hi back. But did you think about how, in Chinese culture, that is not necessarily the custom, and people may feel uncomfortable talking to expats in English if they are not very good at English? You would say things like, 'Oh I found a restaurant I like today, the staff speaks perfect English.' But there are many different socioeconomic strata here, and not everybody can have the opportunity to attend schools where they would learn English well enough to talk to you, and besides, you have not made a good-faith effort to learn Cantonese or Mandarin, so I feel you are judging them too quickly when you are not willing to meet them halfway."

The kiwi nodded silently and took it all in. I felt bad, so I added, "But I think you try very hard to learn more about different cultures, which is good."

"Well, thanks for letting me know, I will try to be more careful in the future."

Film Guy came in and we had a friendly chat, me, Kiwi, and Film Guy. I put on my happy-Wux persona for meeting Film Guy, laughing, acting very engaged and interested in what he had to say. A big change from how I acted with Kiwi. I wonder if he picked up on the discrepancy.

So, in conclusion, the Kiwi just wanted a chance to yell at me. But I got back at him. Now I have a subletter and will recover my losses. So everything still turned out more or less ok.