Ms. Retardo

Before I forget, I need to document the epic and hilarious battle with Peng that went down over my favorite and soon-to-be inaccessible open list, Cabot-Open.

One day I had to do my laundry (in college this only happened a few times a year, so there was a TON of laundry), and I left my detergent in the laundry room so I wouldn't have to keep hauling it back and forth. Then I came down and found that the whole bottle was gone. One of my cute little bottles. I love cute little packaging.

Like I keep insisting, I am usually a very chill, laid-back girl. But this was the proverbial last straw.

So, what to do? Write to my dorm open list. The ensuing thread:

from: Vivien Wu
to: Cabot-Open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject: to the laundry room fucker:
you took my entire bottle of laundry detergent, what the fuck? you could have just discreetly used some and put it back and no one would have been the wiser. way to be an asshole and a negative externality to cabot house life.

from: Peng Paine Sun
to: Cabot-Open
cc: Vivien Wu
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:17 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Was your name on the laundry detergent bottle, Vivien?
Quoting you: "...way to be an asshole and a negative externality to cabot houselife."
Why do we need to drag "Cabot" into this discussion, Ms. Retardo? Perhaps you
need to add "Propaganda Officer" to your list of potential future careers, but
don't fucking declare war in the name of Cabot against this person who
accidentally took your fucking bottle.
You are such a whiny loser, Vivien. Don't leave your bottle unattended next
time.
~Paine

from: Jun Olivier Porte
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: Vivien Wu, cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 12:44 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Perhaps you need to add Propoganda Officerでﾜﾛﾀwww
Don't fucking declare war in the name of Cabot against this person...で吹いたww面白かったけど、やっぱりキモいんだよ気違い　精神障害者はハーバードに進行するってどんだけたよ　お願いだからもう投稿すんのやめろよ

*unintelligible to me. but thanks Jun Olivier. 'preciate it.

from: Evan Eachus
to: Jun Olivier Porte
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 1:15 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
"Don't leave your bottle unattended next time."
anyone else think the idea of an unapologetic-bottle-thief is pretty funny?
also, while we're at it, paine's friend never swipes in the dining hall.

from: Diana Solomon
to: Evan Eachus
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 1:31 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Last time I checked, "leav[ing] your bottle unattended" was not tantamount to saying "hey, everyone! this bottle that you did not purchase is for your use! feel free to steal it and leave none for me."
However funny it may sound (and yeah, it does) it's entirely unfunny to effectively steal someone's money. What kind of jackass does that?
Diana

from: Jay Miller
to: Diana Solomon
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 1:39 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
And "Ms. Retardo?"
I mean, come on, let's show a little bit of maturity. That would have maybe been clever in 3rd grade. As college students I would hope that we could avoid mocking the disabled, even if neighborly kindness remains out of reach.

*thanks for the support Jay.

from: Peng Paine Sun
to: Evan Eachus
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 1:48 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Quote: "paine's friend never swipes in the dining hall."--Evan Eachus.
Evan, you truly have the heart and mind of a thief. You qualify for two reasons:
1. Yes, I occasionally forget to swipe someone in. And sometimes, we get our food and find a place to sit before swiping in. You cannot draw the conclusion that my friend never swipes in the dining hall unless you followed us from the moment we entered the dining hall till we parted every single time.Thief ennui?
2. Thieves are often simple-minded, and draw ridiculous conclusions. If stealing from a baby stroller earned them dirty diapers, thieves believe that there NEVER was money hidden under the toddler's blanket.Thief logic?
Were you the one who took the bottle? If so, I will stop defending the mysterious Cabotian who took the bottle and was accused of being a thief.
~Paine

*is it just me, or did this not make any sense? but thanks for bringing yet more entertainment to my life, Paine.

from: Matthew Aidan Kelly
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 1:57 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Remember the last time this happened?
Remember how it ended?
"Do you believe in dicks,"Aidan

*we can always count on aidan for institutional memory

from: Bong Ihn Koh
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:00 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
I guess it could be useless to say this, but I think this email thread is asking for serious trouble and tension. For various reasons, most people keep their eyes on cabot-open and I think email threads like these tend to be stressful rather than amusing. I'm also concerned about the incoming sophomores, who have access to cabot-open...hopefully, they are not trembling at the thought of joining what seems to be an extremely hostile environment. In any case, I hope people do not get seriously offended by this thread.
Best,
Bong-Ihn

from: Jeremy Raper
to: Matthew Aidan Kelly
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:00 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
aidan, funniest rejoinder ever, good job.

*we can always count on jeremy raper to comment but not actually add to the discussion

from: Brian Rose
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:01 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Evan, did you steal Peng's dirty diaper baby stroller too? That is so simplistic of you.

from: Jon-Mark Overvold
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:00 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Everyone is having too much fun to-day!

from: Peng Paine Sun
to: Brian Rose
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:09 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Brian, you are such a graceless pig. Go jerk off with you one-inch cock.
~Paine

from: Jack Pararas
to: Bong Ihn Koh
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:10 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
bong inh, king of the passive aggressive cabot-open email:

this is hypocritical.

jack

*he's referring to an incident sophomore year in the Cabot library

from: Ajay Kumar
to: Peng Paine Sun, Brian Rose
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:12 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Whoa, Brian, how did she know!
DETAILS?!?!

from: Jeremy Raper
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:14 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
does anyone else find it funny that paine's email program is in german? "zitat von brian rose"
gerade meine Gedanken (just my thoughts),
jeremy

*further proving my point

from: Matthew McClure
to: Ajay Kumar
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:14 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
So THAT'S what who was in the picture!
Respectfully asking for this to stop,
Matt

*he's referring to Peng's skanktastic pix

from: Matthew Aidan Kelly
to: Ajay Kumar
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:17 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Ajay, you might not want to know.
Cabot, you might not want to buy Ajay's bed.

from: Jun Olivier Porte
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:25 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
LOL!! My 7 year old cousin could probably come up with a better insult thanthat... and he doesn't even speak English!
Seriously though, please stop spamming Cabot-Open with your verbal diarrhea.

from: Garrett Dash Nelson
to: Matthew McClure
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:25 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
WE'RE GONNA GET REAL HAPPY ON YOUR ASS!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oXtxb3FPt2o

*on principle I don't click on random youtube links people send over open lists because it tends to be a waste of time

from: Rachel Marie Douglas
to: Garrett Dash Nelson
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:31 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
http://www.conflictresolution.com

*so, I capitulated and clicked on the link out of curiosity...it turned out to be a video of a dick spinning around. very funny. as in, not.

*so, I had actually been away from my computer up till this time, and finally composed a reply.

from: Vivien Wu
to: Peng Paine Sun
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 2:53 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
I have just returned from the laundry room, and opened my email, to this absurd thread.
Peng, quoting your Facebook profile: "Should you choose to contact me, use proper grammar and spelling, or you will be quickly dismissed."
Quoting your response to Brian: "Go jerk off with you one-inch cock."

Why do you not practice what you preach, Ms. Pixelated Profile Photo Poser Obsessed with Cock-o?* You are so busy hitting people below the belt on this open list--please don't quit your day job of modeling bustiers and posting amateur softcore pornography.
Why do you need to drag your inanity into this discussion? Perhaps, in trying to castigate me for being a "Propaganda Officer" unrepresentatively using the name of Cabot, you forgot about the time you tried to speak for all of Cabot when you claimed that, by not supporting Jesse the shuttle driver**, you were representing those "many" who didn't dare to speak up, when in fact you were alone in your miserably self-centered worldview of chainsmoking, guests who don't swipe into the dining hall, and insidiously vacuous Cabot-open responses.
Nothing you have said so far makes sense, especially "thief ennui." Misuse words much? Let me know when you have the perspicacity to engage in conversation with me.
- Vivien
* http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=32094699&id=24237
** http://lists.hcs.harvard.edu/pipermail/cabot-open/2006-October/author.html

from: Josh Montana
to: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:19 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
You were always a good friend to those of us who know you. You were always there to clean our problems. You loved everyone, dirty or sweat-stained alike. You were always the quiet type, and it's a real shame more of us didn't get to know you better. We all knew you as a good pal to Vivien. You were always there when she needed you, until that one fateful day. After your abduction, we all shed a few tears. It is my sincerest hope that some day, we will recover your remains for a proper burial in the recycling bin.
RIP Vivien's laundry detergent
May 19, 2008

*I don't know who this guy is but I appreciate the thought.

from: Kyle Wiggins
to: Peng Paine Sun, Vivien Wu
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:31 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
I think someone needs a hug...

from: Brian Rose
to: Kyle Wiggins
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:38 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Kyle, will you hug me even though my penis is one inch long?

from: Kyle Wiggins
to: Brian Rose
cc: Cabot-open
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:40 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
Yes, Brian... I believe I will.
Kyle
p.s. if you get an erection i will punch you in the face

from: Peng Paine Sun
to: Vivien Wu
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 4:00 PM
subject: Re: [Cabot-open] to the laundry room fucker:
1. Quote: "Pixelated Profile Photo Poser Obsessed with Cock-o? You are so busy
hitting people below the belt on this open list--please don't quit your day job
of modeling bustiers and posting amateur softcore pornography..."
The intensity and passion with which you examined my facebook profile gives me the creeps. For the record, I am heterosexual, and solely engage in vaginal-penile intercourse. I am not sure about your "lifestyle", but I respectfully ask you stay away from me.
2. Quote: "...in trying to castigate me for being a "Propaganda Officer"
unrepresentatively using the name of Cabot, you forgot about the time you tried to speak for all of Cabot when you claimed that, by not supporting Jesse the shuttle driver, you were representing those "many" who didn't dare to speak up,
when in fact you were alone..."
Are we speaking of Jesse, the man who was fired a lifetime ago? In my"self-centered worldview of chainsmoking", he fully deserved to be fired unless kidnapping or death had hindered him from showing up for work. This discussion is not about Jesse; it's about the mysterious Cabotian who took your laundry detergent. Whoever took your bottle did not deserve to be insulted like that on a public thread. Period.
3. Quote: "Let me know when you have the perspicacity to engage in conversation with me."
A year ago, you knocked on my door and asked me to vote for you (or whoever itwas you supported, the details have faded). You seemed affable and convincing. Sadly, I had made assumptions about both your maturity and intelligence which appear ill-founded.
Losers, stalkers, and community members with a mental disability are not on my friend list. I appreciate your offer, though. This conversation is over.

*2 minutes later she realized that she had sent the email to me, but forgotten to cc Cabot-open, so then she sent it again. the rest of the thread is not really worth reprinting. suffice it to say, i drafted a response and debated sending it because i didn't like her having had the last word, but i figured that she had shown enough of her inanity for the house community to realize that i was the true victor after all. ^_^
**aftermath: we passed by each other in the dining hall 2 days later and i wanted to stop her and say something but chickened out. it will remain one of the great regrets of my life...